Garfield
It’s a scurrilous affair to be the target of an assault upon our humanity. Judgments, condemnation and criticisms all aim to reduce our opinions of ourselves, and are often successful in altering how others view us, as well. We may well learn best through adversity, but none of us likes feeling attacked. It perpetuates suffering on both sides of the defenseless/defensive coin, especially when it’s of the insidious variety. That’s how the term backstabbing doubtless came into being, this feeling of being assaulted from behind where we can’t view the enemy. And it’s a coward’s way out, this character assassination. It may temporarily grant the accuser a sense of superiority, but of one thing we can be certain: if we observe another engaging in this practice, it’s only a matter of time before they place us squarely in their sights.
I grew up with some fairly critical people, and would venture to say that years of habituation brought this trait out in me. I was an extremely sensitive child in a chaotic environment, and did not receive much guidance in handling the world with equanimity. And though I did garner some fundamental truths which would later prove beneficial, the chasm between what was practiced and what was preached was too vast for my child’s mind to bridge. Only later with age, experience and my own inevitable mistakes in parenting was I able to put the past into greater perspective. It’s still a process at midlife, so I suspect some lessons are deeper than mere conditioning.
As a teenager, I bolstered my fragile sense of self by finding fault in someone I thought better looking than I was, more talented or popular. Even if I shared these thoughts with no one else, a sense of smugness enveloped me like the proverbial warm fuzzy blanket. Eventually though, and it wasn’t too long in coming, that wrap felt suffocating. To something more decent inside of me, it just felt wrong. Hacking others down did not fill me up, nor did it give me any genuine or lasting sense of self worth. In fact it gave me nothing of these attributes, it only carved a hole in my soul.
It took many years to rout the poison of criticism from my core. To this day and especially when I’m tired or when forcing myself to be entertaining, I might still occasionally catch myself wanting to poke fun at another, usually absent, person. Snide comments are easiest to make about others who appear self righteous or downright mean, but I know there is never anything of value to be gained at another’s expense. And even though the only people who might attend my rant are unlikely to spread gossip, in their silent acceptance of my wounds I somehow feel appraised. Like a polished mirror, the presence of truth routs from within anything unlike it. I am faced holding my vulnerable, frustrated, self critical self. It is in this place that I might experience, more often than not these days, an up-swelling of compassion for the child that was me and for all the confused children in the world, trying as best they can to survive and thrive in adverse circumstances. Then my ruminations extend to the child that lives within every adult, and I’m well on my way to forgiveness and unconditional love, both for myself as well as for our deeply flawed yet ultimately redeemable human family.
Kitagawa Utamaro
Hi Bela: I read this earlier and thought about it a while. Finally decided to come back and make a couple of remarks. Just my personal opinion, though.
Seems to me the kinds of attacks you’re talking about say everything about the person making the attacks and nothing at all about the target in most instances. Except in the case of politicians, who always tell the truth when they’re attacking their opponents and never tell the truth when they’re being attacked.
The range of opinion translated to attacks and attack thoughts in the arena of human discourse seems to me to render everything said in that mode completely unworthy of consideration, response, internal reaction, anything at all insofar as disturbing internal peace.
Attackers are just attackers are just attackers. The fact they’re attackers defines whether they’re communicating anything of validity or worth.
Just my own opinion, though. Jules
Good morning Jules! Thanks as always for your thoughtful comments. I think you must have an impartial mind and a thick skin, as do some folks including my very sensitive though blessedly practical and grounded husband. And maybe it’s more of a guy thing “in general,” though god help me in generalizing anything or anyone – that I would never mean to do.
As I am a woman, I can only write from that perspective, though as an aside, I always get a kick out of male writers who write from a female perspective. It’s no doubt a good exercise, but also seems a bit transparent to me. So I don’t suppose to know what it’s like to be a man. That being said …
I think women tend to be more “focused” on the relational (I emphasize this because that’s what I mean – the focus is more there, not that men cannot be relational). So when we hear something unkind or critical, it is taken more to heart. I think that’s why, though we are powerful beings in our own right, we seem so much more complex – we have this background stuff going on like a dance in our heads and hearts, always trying to be aware of others’ feelings as well – and, again as an aside, if that facility has been damaged for one reason or another, the background stuff can come out in ways that make no sense to men, not to mention other women. But I digress. I believe we have historically been denigrated and (perhaps too easily) oppressed because we are conciliatory, not because we are physically weaker, though we are ever mindful of this and lord knows we have been victimized because of it. Yet I don’t think it’s the main means of oppression of our gender.
So with regards to the perceived character assassination, these attacks may well be perceptual. But what the mind perceives to be true usually ‘becomes’ true and thus can be damaging. Also the person doing the damage no doubt does so without the best of intentions, often knowing the vulnerability of the ‘target.’ And so and thus it is incumbent upon those of us for whom this is an issue that we strengthen and gather our inner resources – which wonderfully may result in genuine and lasting self esteem and a stronger character. Like so many facets of life, not all of us need to learn in the same way. Keeps the human race interesting, for certain. It’s so easy to assume life is the way we view it through our own eyes, when seven billion pairs of eyes strong says it’s likely to be far more diverse and complex than we can imagine.
All I’d like to say right now is that I’ve read this post when thoughts about the attitude of fault-finding to achieve a sense of smugness are reeling in my head more than usual. I am going to come back and read this post objectively, and neutrally, and then see it for what it really is: an honest and coherent speech on acceptance of the inevitable. For people with urges to attack and defend will always come knocking. One’s choices of manoeuvring through their verbal poison is what is crucial, no? Thank you for this brilliant post, Bela.
Thanks as always for taking the time to read and comment, Priya. I appreciate it!