Let everything happen to you
Beauty and terror
Just keep going –
No feeling is final.
~ Rainer Maria Rilke
I find it harder and harder to be critical and sarcastic these days. Tongue in cheek, I used to label this aspect of personality my inner cynic, but I knew even as I named it that the cutesie moniker was simply an excuse for unconscionable behavior. Walking my talk, as it were, seemed to dog me front, center and sideways – always to the good, as it turns out.
Nowadays it seems like any step out of line with my loving heart feels physically painful. It doesn’t mean I don’t have forgetful moments when I regress – I’m pretty sure that’s in the instruction manual for being human. But rather than berating myself as I did in the past, now I’m melting down into the depths of sorrow that surface when I realize I am creating, rather than averting, further suffering. This deepens my compassion, borne of the understanding that if I am having this much difficulty implementing lasting change – I who have yearned and diligently worked toward it for the better part of six decades on this planet – imagine how difficult it must be for those who possess far less awareness and motivation.
At long last I have met the enemy, and it is me. Conversely, my greatest ally and asset is this ability to look with great love and unblinking eyes at my less savory qualities. I feel very blessed, indeed.