Notes to a Friend on Dissolution

Heartbreaking, the agony
of deciding finality independent of consent.
My own third marriage proves sturdy,
but who can say?
We all take risks.

What I can offer is this:
we are always learning and growing
if we examine, as you are doing,
our own choices and motivations.

Helpful to revisit what drew us
to that person, among others;
if we are progressing, we sometimes discover
this takes us beyond,
no matter who calls the curtain down.
No one is better, we simply transcend
the form once required.

Marriage and aging are a dance,
and it takes great awareness to navigate 
through changing circumstances,
remaining open to vulnerabilities, longings,
and above all honest communication.
We are only human, not the gods
or goddesses fantasies construct.
Human, forgivable, occasionally
and often amazing in light of the naked truth
of how we have emerged victorious
from the skins of others into our own.

And freedom, giving one another space
to continue enriching individual experience.
Marriage is a contract as well, so we expand
within the limitations of the contract, obviously.
Keep asking questions, stay alert to possibilities
while anchoring responsibilities.
Children are their own unique beings,
not the fodder of parental dissent.
No matter which course we chart,
they tend to assume fault where none is their own.

Holding on or letting go remain opportunities
to expose our own artifice, to develop heart
and enlarge our capacity to empathize
and embrace, despite differences.
And in the end, the choice remains your own.

15 comments on “ Notes to a Friend on Dissolution”

  1. How wonderful that you should compose such notes to a friend Bela; and thank you for sharing them here, for the message contains deep truths for us all. H ❤

  2. Dear Bela,

    As always, a great verse.

    The lines that really jumped out at me are:

    “….we are always learning and growing
    if we examine, as you are doing,
    our own choices and motivations.”

    To me this is indeed powerful. For it implies that we need to hold that higher consciousness to be able to impartially, without emotion, observe our own selves in terms of choices, the motivation behind them,,,, and their consequences. As we become more adept at doing this, we are able to see that our “usual reactive self and its manifestations” is not really who we are but who we have ‘wound up becoming’. This realisation itself loosens us away from our usual reactions and supports us to choose a more considered and appropriate response.

    Regards

    Shakti

  3. Shakti, you bring up something I’ve been contemplating a lot, these days – that of separating from the emotional charge behind thoughts (and, obviously, actions that may or may not follow) to more clearly reflect on motivations and consequences. This is certainly easier for some than for others, for some quite naturally exist more in their heads, finding it easier to keep emotions at bay. Then there are others who find it more difficult to rein in the spontaneous emotional hit they feel as an immediate reactive response to stimuli, whether they are mentally adept people or not.

    Realizing that what is easier for some does not necessarily come as easily to others helps enlarge my capacity for kindness and tolerance. Example: I’ve got a friend whose mind is like a hamster on a wheel – it never stops, despite her attempts at meditation, yoga and other reflective practices. Doesn’t keep her from continuing with these things, but her mind is definitely her nemesis. My mind, on the other hand, is much quieter – I find large blocks of utter silence and solitude to be nourishing and grounding, where she would vibrate right out of her skin in the same circumstances. Yet even with a clear enough mind, I am a passionate person, which somehow seemed to fit better in my youth. Nowadays I am observing, more and more, just how detrimental that emotional nature is. “Good” or “bad” being beside the point, passion, as Arjuna discovers through his conversations with god in the Baghavad Gita, obscures wisdom. And I guess that’s what I’m concluding in my own life.

    Aloha, and thanks as always for your insightful reflections!

  4. MARRIAGE & THE EX

    A mine field
    Mine till I shared

    In search of what?
    Trust? Security?

    It’s like I say
    A mine field

    • Aloha BN: I’m not sure a partnership of the sort marriage requires would ultimately be successful in a ‘mine’ field. I think we all look for things in others we can only provide for ourselves, yet when we’re young, we know less about such things. I always consider it a miracle that marriages last as long as they do. It requires real work, yet the growth potential is huge. Thanks for your share.

      • If both partners can pass beyond it being “mine” and began truly sharing then things begin to look more rosy. 🙂

  5. This is simply lovely thoughts, Bela. You have come up with why we grow apart and sometimes stretch the boundaries of how we started out. Sometimes we grow or evolve at different paces or rates. I wish and hope for young people to wait to figure out “who” they are before they try to become a couple. This is very helpful and supportive. It made me feel good. Thanks for such a beautiful piece of writing, Bela.

    • Thanks as ever, Robin, for your kind comments! ❤

    • Enriching each others lives is a part of what makes this message most endearing for me. I feel I give more than take which often leaves the relationship unbalanced. Eventually my discontent appears at not receiving emotional support, Bela. This happens in couples where expectations and needs are not fairly met. Take care and Aloha, Bela.

      • Robin, I can sense that you are this type of person, yes. A strange thing I have observed in many women of our generation is a distaste for the act of asking for what we need from another. I know it was true for me for a long time, and I felt disappointed that my husband wasn’t more of a mind reader (!!) Now we have peace and contentment and I know a large part of this was the realization that I, yes, needed to ask for what I wanted. And he was then only too happy to provide it! Aloha, Robin, and blessings ❤

  6. deep, deep, feelings.. Very mature writing. thanks. eve

  7. Dear Bela, and all of the above, It feels strange to be listening in to such deep and meaningful comments on real life issues; my real life, at least as it once was, or as I once thought it was or might have been, if only; but there was always an if only; if only I could have felt content with what or who I had, or thought I had, or might have had, if only – it goes on. Sitting out in my sacred and secluded patio sanctuary, surrounded with waves of green, filtered with blue and light; I thought of those rich and famous writers who would be speaking at workshops, or hurrying to catch a plane to some distant location, while here I am …
    “In paradise?” (Spirit whispered in my ear). I immediately felt foolish.
    Thank you all for opening your hearts and minds.

    • Aloha, Jean: I have sworn not to end my life with regrets. There is nothing I can do about what has gone before except to learn from it. And for me, fame was never something I sought, so I do not envy those who stand up to appreciation, yes, but also ridicule and even contempt as the public is wont to do – projections, all. Yikes and no thanks. I was pursued to publish and go public, but it’s just not something I’ve felt called to do in this life. Radio was enough for me. I’d rather cruise under the radar, and know that’s the choice I’ve made. So no conflict there.

      I think we’re always broadcasting frequencies that attract or repel, according to our deepest and often unconscious desires. Opening myself up to recognizing these frequencies has been quite liberating for me. Contentment arises when I am at peace with my choices, for they have been my own for many years now.

      It saddens me that you would chastize your special and unique self as foolish for feeling what you feel. Emotions can be complex and even surprising, but it’s the minefield we are given, as human beings. Glad you are questioning and exploring, myself 😉

      Many blessings, and thanks as always for sharing yourself with me, with us. Peace.


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