Eclipse

I don’t now know what to do with the grief
of parental disappointments,
how their lives entangled, ensnared,
dreams dashed on the shoals
of fragile egos glued together by obsession
with ‘fifties fantasies and too many children;

My mother once told me in the throes
of discovering my first husband’s
confused gender orientation, Oh, have
a baby! Have a Baby! As if stitching
this troubled soul to my side for life
could relieve a retinue of problems;

Schooled only to parental obedience
I might have been tempted, though thank
the gods he recognized the folly
in her entreaties (considering now her
solution then, multiplied seven times over);

How could I possibly have understood
what has taken a lifetime to sort out,
reflecting back on images of Mother,
then three decades younger than I am now;
what did I, myself know at that time,
Nothing! How could I have been equipped
to juggle betrayal, babies and bills
through thickly clouded vision,
ripe with hopes and dreams of youth?

Now I stand on the threshhold of my own
senescence, poised between their birthdays
and three eclipses, lunar mother and father sun,
and I wonder again how families fail one another
and how we fare, once festooned with illusions
now cast off, far from those turbulent shores.

35 thoughts on “Eclipse

      1. Yes! You can’t see the eclipse from WA, of course, but we do have some residual types of things. The lights next to everyone’s doors are confused as they are now on. That happens only as the sun is going down and it is rather more chilly outside. Interesting but they show it on TV so it’s all good. 🙂

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Yes, it already passed us here before the sun was really up. Nevertheless neither Chris nor I got much sleep, in tune as we are with nature’s rhythms. What a lovely day it is though! And I must drive to town … Enjoy your week, Renee!

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  1. Hi Bela! Love this one…speaks to my life in so many ways at this current time. The eclipse just passed here…as tempted as I was to look out (without glasses even though there was a cloud cover) I did not. It got a strange, eery, color, yet it felt so peaceful. Hope that you are well, Bela ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aloha Lorrie – yes, I ‘am’ well! 😉 If on the run a bit more than I would like, today … Glad this resonated with you. And yes, I’ve witnessed a few eclipses in my life, and this one passed us by – happened here in Hawaii very early before the sun had really had a chance to show itself. I know what you mean by ‘eerie!’ Glad you got a chance to experience it. The photo I posted was, I believe, taken on the last lunar eclipse here. ❤

      Liked by 1 person

    1. Ah, yes – that elusive illusion that we ‘have’ time leaps to mind. What we ‘have’ is Now, far as I can see, but isn’t it rife with those slideshows of the past, flickering fantas-tically on by … Thanks for your sweet compliment, dear esme – as one who admires your own way with words, I’ll take it as high praise. Love xoxo

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  2. “…how families fail one another?” An excellent question and one I’m still trying to understand. I have learned that in most cases one half of the marriage actually cared and while the other half focused on themselves exclusively. The emotional toll extends beyond the couple to family and friends. Some people do grow apart but one must ask if they were truthful at the start?

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hmmm, Patrick, interesting conclusions. I don’t honestly know about ‘truthful at the start’ at a time when hormones drive humans to reproduce and damn the consequences. The endocrine system is such a powerful force. So perhaps motivations differ, indeed I would say they do more often than not. As to focusing on the self vs. caring, I think humans by nature are self referential. We may care deeply, yet what motivates that caring? True altruism is hard to find and almost always occurs later in life when one has had some time to reflect.

      And yes, emotional repercussions fan out to include both in the inner circle as well as those on the periphery. It is sad, the damage that can be done. And yet I have to wonder why this is the case more often than not.

      In my case, it was the quickest road to awakening beyond certain illusions in this life. That is how I perceive it NOW. Back then, I never thought I would make it to 18 and freedom from the dramas and damage of home. So that early child’s mind matured and realized the value of the experience. Would I wish it on anyone else? Heck, no. Would I ever want to ‘go back there’ for whatever reason? Hell, no!
      Thanks as always for your reflections! Aloha ❤

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  3. I wonder if the phrase dysfunctional family isn’t in fact a tautology? There nearly always seems to be some (often irrational) tension surfacing repeatedly between two familial members, and which goes beyond sibling rivalry, or the usual causes. I cease to be surprised, these days, when hearing of yet another separation, or divorce, where none was anticipated. Perhaps it has something to do with the reification of individuality which has been the paradigm for the past 30/40 years? Thanks for your candour, dear Bela, and your unwavering eloquence. H ❤

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    1. Hariod, as usual you have hot-buttoned something I hadn’t thought of. “The reification of individuality” does make so much sense, as we (often unconsciously) elicit into being what we reinforce, both individually as well as collectively. And individuality has been such a strong incentive, yet it is likewise a ruse, is it not – for who exists in a vacuum? Still, humans yearn to flex what they perceive to be uniquely their own. To my mind, this can be the misappropriation of the creative urge. That energy is so strong and powerful when the channels are clear, and can be so destructive when they are closed and personality takes over.
      On we go, understanding or not, templating down the complex web of our collective illusions. Aloha, dear one, and many thanks for your kind words and insights. As always ❤

      Liked by 1 person

  4. Bela, I’ve read this three times now, resonating with different parts of it. It’s hard to put our younger years into such clear perspective as you’ve been able to do here. There are layers of emotions we must peel away in order to reach some kind of objectivity. That alone is hard but then you’ve also written about it poetically. I admire you for doing this so adeptly!

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    1. Many thanks, Betty. It’s been a lifetime’s work, for sure. Much easier now. It’s taken a lot of reflecting and writing; a lot of setting down boundaries around people who would take advantage of any woundedness, mine or their own. I don’t regret the past nor do I live in it as so many unfortunately do. Life is a blessing. Aloha ❤

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  5. This eclipse is timely, Bela. While most of us experienced the outward Aug 21 eclipse, you narrated something which is inward – and effective. It’s like you were looking at the eclipse and finding deep hidden layers you could sync with.

    “As if stitching this troubled soul to my side for life could relieve a retinue of problems” – this was a common perspective weakness if you will (‘doing it is the right thing’ era) our elders were equipped with. They haven’t changed, but marred now by our assertive, logical and blissful response.

    “How could I have been equipped to juggle betrayal, babies and bills through thickly clouded vision, ripe with hopes and dreams of youth?” – you’ve so beautifully penned the helplessness of the time. When we are ripe with hopes and dreams of youth we more often lose “our” perspective.

    Bravo! 🙂

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    1. Many thanks, Mahesh. Yes, generational differences, to be sure. And doubtless more between my generation and those that follow, as is natural and desirable in our human evolution. One can only pray for a more enlightened perspective as time goes by. 😘

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  6. How could I have been equipped
    to juggle betrayal, babies and bills
    through thickly clouded vision,
    ripe with hopes and dreams of youth?

    Very eloquently expressed!

    Liked by 1 person

  7. This is wonderful. You’ve captured generational learning beautifully, moving back and forth through time. We can only do our best, whilst we’re here, and families fail each other for many reasons – life is so short and we have to learn so much. Love how you place the setting, for all of us, somewhere at the mercy of the universe. Your humility seems to be the very thing that allows such expansive reaching – your words beam to many people. 🌞🌛✨

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    1. Thank you so very much for adding your voice to the conversation and for your kindness. I think life humbles us all if we are open to its teachings instead of framing ourselves as victims of circumstance. I am so glad you liked the poem. Aloha 🌹

      Liked by 1 person

  8. I think the Eclipse has brought many such emotions to the surface.. And your words echo within me many such thoughts about families . I am sorry to hear you have been grieving Bela.. and have yet to answer the cause that you left upon my post.. But my heart is with you.. Sending LOVE ❤

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I agree on the eclipses, exactly, Sue. Because I do not linger in the past. Yet sometimes it rises up to tap me on the shoulder. Or in the heart. Thank you for your sweet love and support, dear Sue. You are a gem. ❤

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