The Frequency of Home

Perfect timing is universally ordained,
though once I did not believe it so;
perfection was something I could attain
with enough effort, enough input,
by simply and assiduously being Enough
for everyone and for all time;

Then the learning began.

Years of silence, accustoming myself
to feeling the rhythms inside that synced
with the beat of Mother Earth’s pulse;
the drumbeat rolls coming not from others,
who could never fully be satiated anyway,
but welling up from within, unbidden;
swelling and coursing through my vascular
system, cleansed upon every intentional
breath by the ever-vigilant center
of being, my trustworthy heart;

Then it was discernment, and this only years
later after the chaos and struggle had died
down with those umbilical separations, mother
from child, and then, mother from child
again and anon, the multilayered garments
cast off, shell by shell of the crusty cricket
chirping in my head, humming, droning,
dropping steady pools of grievous tears until,
beyond comprehension, my eyes glistened
with clarity, no longer the weeping, wailing guilt
of my own lost youth revisited, as it seemed
in these fragile partings;

I wonder at the endless capacity of women
to mother others, long after progeny
have vanished from our everyday view;
perhaps it was this closeness, this bond
I wished somehow to recreate with those
let into my private sanctuary; and it sounds
as though I knew at the time the quantity
and quality of those who breached the gates,
but I did not; and time and again, life shook me
down and down, human fallibility rearing
its maned visage, facing off, facing down
until I had no choice but to retreat, once again,
into solitary until, with yet more experience,
I began to harvest grain from the chaff,
carefully weeding out if not disavowing myself
entirely of the very species I had come
into this life to embrace;

Nobody said it would be easy.
No one said it would be this hard, or take
this long, or try my sanity so arduously.
What price, maturity? At what cost comes peace
of mind? And yet it arrives in proper measure,
day by day, moment by moment, in the silent
interstices between thoughts, words,
and the inevitable vicissitudes of existence.

32 thoughts on “The Frequency of Home

  1. Oh Bela, wonderful words. But I suspect that these fine words so beautifully crafted are nowhere close to the reality you experienced over the years. But still very beautiful words!

  2. Lovely write-up, Bela. This one speaks of a time long past, a time yearned to be lived once again. Children grow up, people come and go in our lives and all that is left is memories. Though we may see each other again, the time spent in the past will never be time spent again today. I really liked this phrase, β€˜life shook me down and down’. Sort of saying how life tells you otherwise in spite of you wanting to believe you can relieve certain moments again. I also like how you alluded to silence towards the end of the poem. So often a lot of us keep our thoughts to ourselves, always silent about them and going about our routine day silent on what we really feel and want. It’s one way to get on with life, and get on to experience something greater. Much love, Bela ❀

    1. Aloha Mabel! So happy to see your comment.

      To clarify, I would not wish to recreate any part of the past, only to correct mistakes I made as a parent if I could. But that’s moot as moot can be.

      I would not wish to turn back the clock, simply because I did not know myself at all. And this is something I don’t think children understand, nor do most parents(!) We are trying so hard to be the archetypal Mother or Father. Yet these are roles we only come to know through experience while we are growing up right alongside our children(!)

      This knowledge has helped me understand my own parents far better, but this has only come in my ‘sixties. I was still far too conflicted, even into my ‘fifties. Now they are both dead, and I wish I could bring back my mom at least, to tell her I understand far more now; to ask her questions I did not have words for in the past. But you know, she was never forthcoming, and I doubt she’d be that way now, even if she was still alive. Again, moot, moot.

      I hope you have written something recently, Mabel – I do so love your writing and I have been offline with WordPress for awhile, save for punching in my weekly posts when I can. I need to catch up with several of you because I value the connection.

      Love right back to you! I hope life is treating you well! ❀

      1. We do all learn valuable lessons along the way, and you are so right in saying that, and also suggesting how we can be conflicted. We learn as life goes on and get more clarity with experiences.

        I have been taking a break from blogging and taking it easy. Haven’t written much or am on here mulch. It is nice being away. Looking forward to being back soon. Take care, Bela πŸ’•

      2. It seems a theme, Mabel. Almost all of my blogging friends, along with I, myself, have been taking more breaks than not, these days. I do try to post weekly, but it’s a real weak effort at this point. I don’t blame anyone for doing what they have to do to stay sane in this world! Sweet blessings to you! Aloha 🌺πŸ₯°πŸ˜˜

      3. Yeah, sometimes I also feel an effort to blog once a month. There are things in life that simply must be attended to an enjoyed. But like you, I keep coming back here because the connections are so amazing here. Aloha right back at you ❀

    1. Thanks, dearie. I have been published in the past, but it takes too much time to organize it all. At this point with thousands of poems and bits of prose, I would much rather spend that time in my body instead of my head. πŸ™ƒ blessings. πŸ™

  3. How our parallel lives seem to speak to each other.. I understood each line, each word..
    We have travelled upon many a turbulent road Bela, but all roads eventually lead us home..

    I am now more ready than I have ever been, finding that inner solace and contentment just being in our own space..
    The frequencies are changing and preparing us.. Are we ready?? We can only BE in the Moment..
    And each moment calls us ever closer..

    Such a beautiful narrative Bela and loved your photo of that lovely rainbow ❀
    special hugs my friend ❀
    Enjoy your garden and your week..
    My garden more or less now straight again,, Now the paintbrushes are out.. Not for canvas, but for redecorating..
    Keeping busy.. πŸ™‚
    LOVE and HUGS Bela.. ❀
    Just BE.. ❀

      1. Yes, learning never stops. That’s why I love reading and writing. By the way, my middle son lives in Hilo and we love when we get to visit him.

      2. Oh cool! We live on the northernmost tip of the west side (Kohala). Nearly 3 hours from Hilo. Big island! πŸ˜‚ And agreed on reading and writing. For sure. 😊

    1. Yes, the impatience of youth is tempered by age and experience, no doubt. Imagine all the energy lost in trying so hard to make things happen or to understand something. I guess that’s why it’s called a journey πŸ˜‰ xoxo

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