Old Journal Entry

Going back into my journals for the first time in years, I discover it’s interesting to note how clearly I perceive things now, compared to 15 years ago. For all those sheltering in isolation with others they are not quite used to being with 24/7, perhaps these old meanderings might give rise to your own deeper contemplations …

July 4, 2005

Is it fear or is it excitement? Such a question for those of us raised not to expect much or anything at all;

How to be with inner trembling without precipitating an earthquake? Life goes about its business, we are here waiting in the wings for it to happen, whatever that might look like;

Perhaps it is excitement only, then again, maybe fear. But if I don’t know, why label it at all? Say it’s both or neither. But if I don’t sit still enough and listen, it becomes a mantle, then a shroud;

Am I sad or am I angry? Allowing neither, they have become, as have I, confused. Sitting on a powder keg of emotion, I tremble with energy burning inside, steaming my vitals like massive hydroelectric turbines (and we wonder why, by mid life, we feel burned out);

How to disengage from self destruction now seems bigger than searching for what path to walk or spinning wheels at the scrim of the past;

What an intense awakening! To realize that, at some fundamental level, I lack deep awareness of the benevolent nature of the universe;

Disrupted early on by promises rarely met with integrity, instead, behind the power of the original delivery lay a raw, wounded place in another’s story;

How to unravel myself? I go deeper into ‘belief’ and find it less substantial, and when visiting it again, it seems to strangle less. What emerges is more my own truth.

mid-1970’s

18 thoughts on “Old Journal Entry

  1. Your entry from that time resonated deeply. I’m so glad I’ve found your blog. We are of the same era…and I’m sure that’s why this post spoke to me. I recognized those feelings. Take good very care of you.

  2. Reading back those journal entries from more than a decade ago must have left you wondering who were you those years back 😀 It sounded like you had many pentup emotions in the summer of 2005 and trying to find your feet. Life goes on no matter how we are feeling in the moment. It also sounded like you had a lot of questions, but not many answers.

    I think another way to see the person whom we were those years ago is through social media (if we use social media). Sometimes I go through my Facebook and Twitter, looking at my posts from a decade ago and wonder why did I ever post that. Sometimes these past musings also give me a different perspective on things right now.

    Hope you are doing well, Bela. Stay safe.

    1. So glad to hear from you, Mabel. Yes, it’s interesting to reflect on that time, like another lifetime really. Most of my life, it felt like I was pretty lost. Even when others looked to me for guidance. And it was through helping them as well that I came to know myself better.

      I hope you were not too affected by the fires and that you’re staying safe from this virus thing. We are pretty removed from it all, here on Hawaii Island. It put a temporary crimp in selling our house here and moving to our New Mexico ranch, but we trust in time, it will happen. So much is unknown at this time for everyone.

      Love and best wishes, Mabel! Thanks for stopping by! 🙏💕

      1. It is nice to hear you help others when they need help, even when you felt lost. I guess sometimes that is how we learn, and learn about ourselves when we put ourselves out there.

        I haven’t been affected by the fires, and we’re doing okay here with this virus thing, staying indoors except for groceries. This will all pass at some point, and when it does maybe things will be clearer for you and with your house. Stay safe, Bela.

      2. Thanks, sweetie. Glad you were not directly affected by those horrible fires. I think we will all be relieved when this virus panacea has passed. So I suspect mother nature has more in store for us if we don’t start collectively realizing we need to change our mass consumerist ways. A more sustainable future is surely what is needed. Blessings, dear Mabel. 🙏💜🌎

  3. Where would we be without our journals Dear Bela,
    Such profound thoughts that resonates so deeply within my own.
    The benevolent nature of the Universe, we often fail to recognise, the power lies within us. For we hold that Universe within us. But through our conditioning and programming, we have separated into seeing everything as external.
    When it is WE, who create our external.
    Which is why I’m ‘ internalising’ once again for I too was getting caught up in the external.
    We know what we know Bela, how to verbalise that in there times can prove difficult.
    I’m taking a short blog break Bela, only checking in via my phone app. But your post magically appeared.
    And I hope people really internalise your words my friend.
    Speak soon my lovely friend 💚🙏❤️😘❤️

    1. I am glad synchronicity brought you here. Your words can only but clarify mine further.

      I am so glad I continued the process of deep self reflection. I was a mess for a long time. Lost but now am found. It’s so liberating to get to a place where nothing really rattles me anymore. I am grateful. And grateful to you, dear one. You have given me some solid tips through your posts which, I am sure, have helped many many people. Blessings, sweet. Enjoy your break! ❤️❤️❤️

  4. Thank you for this Bela. Getting in touch with feelings was such a big part of that time for me. I was intellectually aware but the need to feel and express myself fully started to shake the foundations. What a journey to clarity we have been on … and continue into new realms. Stay safe and well my friend 🙏💕

    1. Well stated, Val, thanks for sharing. Intellect vs feelings, one prized by society, the other, not so much. Or at least that’s how I experienced it. Journey to clarity, indeed!

      Stay safe and well, yourselves! And many blessings. 💞🙏🌎

  5. Wonderful writing — such concision and pith, such impartial objectivity. I (eventually) found it’s always a good thing to say to oneself (and to others), should it be the case: ‘I do not know, let me think about it’. And if an answer doesn’t come, to keep asking, keep enquiring, earnestly yet not neurotically or obsessively, and to remain silent rather than latching onto beliefs or proscriptions, or to dissemble in pretence. I wish our leaders would stop pretending always to know, to be a little less certain in their stances. That said, and as has quite obviously been the case with yourself, dear Bela, clarity may come with the passing of time, time and experience, time and experience and in making honesty one’s best friend. H ❤

    1. Well, hello, hullo, dear Hariod! And isn’t it the truth, knowing we do not know is the beginning of wisdom, I think. Expecting leaders to exhibit same is perhaps a bit ambitious, given today’s preference for entertainment over education. Gosh. What a mess humanity has gotten itself into!

      I hope all is well on your end. I’ve finally come up with a post I came to my laptop to write. I have just had nothing to say for quite awhile. Waiting for our house to sell here so we can move to our ranch in New Mexico. And I’m not good at waiting, I’m a mover and a shaker. Suspended in time, like the rest of the world.

      Take good care, love. ❤

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