Flight

Once in a great while I detect glimpses, sensations,
impulses; what it felt like, those intrepid days
of youth, out of the house, seeding my own liberation,
or so I thought; I could dress up, casting spells
upon the dance floor, long wavy auburn hair flowing
about me, a radiant halo, mistaking those highs
for the freedom I sought;

Then transpired love and loss and love and agonizing
loss again and again, two daughters, lives to protect,
their well being my focus, my own maturation very
much linked to theirs though I knew it not, who does
at that age I wonder, if we are to be completely honest;

Inevitable cracks in the veneer, intimacy too complex
and so I perpetuated it thus, attracted a man that needed
nothing so much as fantasy though the world knew it not,
destined to dissimulate, propping up a ruse, the irony
of it all;

Waiting in the wings, my heart’s desire, nothing expected
or suspected, still it mellowed into rapture of sorts,
partnership longed for requiring years to clarify,
fleshing out the spectre of its origins, girls growing up,
leaving home for college, independence, meanwhile
what I had constructed lay in ruins all about, sparkle
gone, what to do with that kind of sorrow but crumple
into weeping until it appeared unending;

Decades later it has come, those winking memories linking
back to that sense of deliverance, only now it feels real,
and I must discover how to mend the gap, years inside myself
alone, isolation or immolation, phoenix readying for flight,
ashes of failures at my feet, leaden cloak shed
from tired shoulders and shrugged aside, free and clear
and entirely, if fairly late to the party, fundamentally whole.

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32 thoughts on “Flight

    1. Thanks, dear one. I have really been getting these sliver glimpses of real freedom, and I was trying to process it through this offering. I’m not sure I accomplished that, but on we go! πŸ™πŸ’•

      Liked by 1 person

  1. I was just reviewing my mistakes from youth to now myself. And yet, I would not be who I am without them.
    To drop those burdens is an act of courage. It’s never too late. (K)

    Liked by 1 person

    1. We Could not be. And agreed, an act of courage. I think that’s why so many keep holding onto whatever persona they have created. I could not. Thankful for sure, that I did have the courage to be honest with myself. πŸ™

      Liked by 1 person

  2. Bela,

    This one is so outrageously haunting and beautiful!

    What resonated with me were these words:

    “………and I must discover how to mend the gap, years inside myself
    alone, isolation or immolation, phoenix readying for flight…… ”

    How many of us hold such an awareness? The awareness of the gap, the intent to discover the mending process… are in themselves self actualization activities of the highest order.

    Thank you

    Shakti Ghosal

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Shakti, many thanks for your generous compliment. I might say that it takes one to know one; it is apparent from your comments that you posses acute awareness.

      I simply could not continue life without mindfulness. Before it was ‘a thing,’ my self imposed years in isolation granted me the space and time to ponder … space and time! And what those things granted me on a daily basis. I sacrificed much that money could buy for living close to nature. It was my salvation. I truly believe she is the greatest of all teachers.

      Blessings, dear man. Namaste. πŸ™πŸ½

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      1. Indeed it all boils down to Mindfulness, does it not?

        I have recently blogged on OODA- A powerful Reboot tool for our uncertain times.

        OODA at its very essence calls for extreme mindfulness and our ability to notice all inputs being received by us. It is only then that we gain the ability to re-engineer our mind models to optimally sync with a continuously changing and uncertain situation.

        Stay blessed

        Shakti

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      2. Aloha Shakti, sorry it’s taken so long to reply to your latest comment! We are in the midst of change over on this end, relocating after 15 years of island living. It’s taken all my concentration to organize the move.

        I am so glad you are utliizing mindfulness and awareness tools in business. It so needs this sort of input. Thanks for the work you do in this world!

        And blessings,
        Bela

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  3. A nostalgic journey dearest Bela.. One that takes us through the time loop in self discovery… Its never too late to find that freedom within Just to BE… and rejoice and fly in the space of freedom that was long withheld with responsibility to others…
    So loved this muse Bela… and the glimpse of your youthful smile… ❀ ❀ ❀ Much love your way Bela.. ❀

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Aloha dear Sue! I have been otherwise occupied for weeks now, and just now getting back to catching up on WP. We are in escrow on the house here, so it’s packing, packing and more packing. Clearing out. Met the buyers and such lovely people. A perfect fit for this property, down to a teenage daughter who has a passion for gardening(!) Wonderful.

      I am pleased you liked the offering and the photo πŸ˜‰ So young! Gosh. Glad I am where I am now in life.
      Be well, my friend. Hope things are easing up on your end with this crazy Coronavirus thing. It seems almost like a hoax perpetrated on humanity by the gods or by governments, but either way, our earth gets a nice break from the incessant pollution. However She must do it, i guess!

      Much love, b ❀

      Liked by 1 person

      1. So pleased all is going well with your transition and move… And wonderful to know all of that effort you put into your garden is going to be cherished and will be continually loved and cared for… Wonderful!!..
        Yes I too am full of gratitude for being as old as I am and having had these years within the experience of our relative ‘Freedom’ .. The hoax although real, is not as it’s being portrayed to be, but that is treading on eggshells, .. As you say Gaia is breathing easy as we hold our breaths and fight for air…. She has a way of showing us what costs are involved when oxygen is denied our lungs … Being as we have allowed her own lungs to be decimated without a blink of an eye…
        Good to know all is now moving in your world Bela… Sending HUGE hugs my dear friend…
        Love and well wishes and continued Blessings your way Bela…
        Much love back..
        Sue ❀

        Liked by 1 person

    2. Thanks, Sue! I have finally taken a break from a lot of packing, and realize you wrote this on June 4! πŸ™„ sorry it’s taken me so long to respond. But I’m going to start plowing through my reader now. Love and blessings your way! πŸ™πŸ¦‹πŸ˜˜

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Never worry Bela. I’ve been taking a break from visiting blogs as much too. And I leave that many comments here and there, I forget to whom and when. Lol. Just happy for you that things are slowly taking shape and you have a breather to enjoy WP a little. Sending hugs and love ❀️ 😘 from the UK. πŸ’•πŸ™‹

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  4. “…if fairly late to the party, fundamentally whole.” Ah yes, thank you for all those lines, but that last one especially. Late to the party I always am…
    Best to you, Bela πŸ™‚

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  5. A very reflective piece, Bela. Looking back on our lives is always food for thought. We wonder where we been, what we did, who we where and question if we are still the same person today. So agree there will be cracks in ourselves as we get older: we feel the highs and lows of emotions, we live and we learn. We might have regrets and the emotions that come with it can stick with us for a long time to come. It takes time for us to see past all of that and realise we are always stronger than we think. Hope you are doing well, Bela.

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